I moved here a year ago. The first six months were intense with starting a new job and dealing with sickness in my family. After Christmas things started to calm down and I began to get more involved in my church and meeting people who had friendship potential. For various reasons, there aren't many friendship connections where I work, so the only other obvious place to meet people was church.
And people there have been super nice and friendly. But, after six months of being intentional, after many lunches and conversations over coffee, I still feel like I haven't made any friends. I feel like I'm welcome in the community, but I just don't feel like people like me. And not feeling like people enjoy my presence or "get" me makes me feel like I haven't made any friends.
So, the conundrum. While I feel part of the community, I don't feel like I have friends. Does that make sense?
And what should I do about it? Wait around hoping a connection happens or go fish for friends elsewhere?
7 comments
This is a tough one, and I can understand how you feel.
If I were you, I'd keep moving--not in the sense that you should look for another church or another job, but that you'd keep the momentum going of being active and engaging new people, and perhaps in smaller groups. I don't see anything wrong with looking for friends outside the faith community if you're not making deeper connections there right now. And, honestly, I wouldn't take it personally. Churches can be the hardest places to make friends (sad but true). And you shouldn't force it with those people--the relationships will come eventually, I think, if you stay present long enough and you're willing to give yourself to others when the opportunity arises. If it's happening it's happening, if it's not then it's not. I'd say move on but stay open to the possibility of making a connection. Keep desiring it but with thanksgiving for what you've been given so far.
Maybe somewhere down the line, weeks or months from now, you'll find that the connection is where it previously wasn't with the people you hoped it would be. Perhaps you'll find yourselves saying to each other, "Wow, I can't believe we didn't hang out before." And you'll be happier and healthier for having spent time pursuing friendships with like-minded people in the meantime (it's actually a really good idea to have friends outside of church anyway, in my view).
I'm certainly no expert, but thinking and acting along these lines has helped really me in different seasons. Hang in there, it will get better.
Ali talks a lot about people not getting him. It makes him really sad.
wise advice, cam. thanks! i've been following your advice from a few months ago about taking every opportunity to hang out because through doing new things, you build relationships and have fun doing things you might not have ever tried....and it's been helpful and beneficial to me.
i think part of my problem is location. i live in the suburbs in Jersey and my community is in Philly. so i am separated by a toll bridge. ideally i'd love for a community closer to home, but it's mostly suburban families and/or people that is pretty much totally different from my world of urban ministry.
thanks for the encouragement!
Location! That does make it tougher. Any chance you could move across the bridge at some point?
I am very, very tempted because I love that neighborhood (West Philly). But, I'm afraid it will make me feel disconnected from Camden and that's where my heart is. But, I don't live in Camden now anyway, so I wonder if it would even make a difference. And also, there is a stupid toll to pay too.... :) I wish my life wasn't compartmentalized, but maybe that's a more sustainable way to do life and ministry?
"I wish my life wasn't compartmentalized, but maybe that's a more sustainable way to do life and ministry?"
I don't know, there's definitely something to be said for an integrated living/ministry arrangement. But sometimes, what's best for us doesn't make the most sense according to our ideals. I don't know what the right answer is, but I don't think God would begrudge you for wanting to live in community beyond what you presently are, in that other area (He doesn't begrudge, period). I'll pray for you to know what's right.
I understand what you mean, and I don't know what to do about it either. :|
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